Sarah's Life

I was told I needed to update my blog so I am! Today is Sunday, and I am leaving July 28th. I will be happy to get back home, but defiantly not to work, (he he). Anywho (Grady-o) lets see what have I been doing. Umm… nothing, I don’t do anything this would be the reason I have not written in here. I continue not to talk to my dad. I don’t care for him when we are at home, and when we are here he is completely different and he is worse. I have figured out I don’t belong in Pakistan. Yes, I know this is my heritage is, and my culture, but I can have all that good stuff there too. It is not that I cannot adjust to living here, because in a way I can, well better than most American born peeps, which travel to an extremely foreign place, it is that women don’t do a lot here. I have always known this but it never occurred to me like for realz. I need some space the other day (when I am here I have someone with me like always, I have a cousin with me all the time no privacy) anyways I opened the gate and before I could shut it the guard was standing there, watching waiting, wondering if I was going to walk. And then as I took a step he was taking the step right behind me. I wanted to go to the store the other day, and the driver was going to take me, and my dad said no. Why did he say know? Ask yourself this question, why did he tell me no I was going with the driver, and my cousin was also going, why did he tell me no? All I wanted was a hair straightener. Guess I have the answer so you don’t have to guess anymoreJ because I am white, and some people have bad intentions. As this may be true, people in America have the same wrong intentions. I am in a foreign country were I don’t speak the language fluently and I can’t handle my self. I cannot do a lot because I am white, and men stair like dogs, at me. Oh well I am so use to it does not even bother me anymore. Well I have done all the shopping for my family everyone has new clothes. Except my bro I have not bought his clothes only a prayer hat, (which Justin and Tamra got a kick out of my dads, they would love my bro’s it has little mirror all over it). Oh I have not brought shoes yet or gifts but the clothes are done. I feel bad I got upset thousands of miles away from this person and believe it or not he still upset me can you believe it. I feel terrible I said rude things that he deserved but I should have not said them and I feel terrible. I want to apologize but then I don’t want to. He should for once say he is sorry, and mean it. But that is not he. Damn it Sarah why do you let him get to you. He has always been this way and will always be this way. I am not sure I have that much more to say. I have had a lot of thinking time, and I have done a lot of thinking. Things are going to change, a lot will. I am not happy with me, or anything about me. I have a bad fear of rejection, and tripping and falling, and I need to get over it, because stuff is changing in my life, and maybe sooner then I think and I am very scared so I need things like self confidence to kick in. But I do know this is what I have always wanted, and I have waited along time. Now I am the age they are looking. This is not my first proposal it may not be the last, these things take time and there are many stages more to go, but it is the beginning and we all have to start somewhere. Did I tell you my friend Peter is engaged. I sound upset when he told me I was just really in shock. I am happy for him, but it is a really big step for him, they moved in so fast together and that got engaged so fast. I wish them the best. Before I left for here, I saw an ex friends and she called me evil and that she did not even want to talk to me. Yes I cause this more spoiled then me brat of a bitch little girl a little problems but I promise it was only for her own benefit, I would never do anything to anyone if it was for pure bad. That is just not I! Anyways she called me evil and that is still swimming among the empty, thoughtless veins of my brain. Arrr… I became pissed off twice today, I was maybe out of line but damn let me just tell you. First my uncle came to pick us up to go to his house to have lunch and he wanted me to put my scarf so no one can see me, then when I completely refused he made me put it in the usual place for a Pakistani woman on her chest. I HATE wearing it and why should I cover up anymore, I am already covered from neck to ankle. Damn! After lunch I was playing street cricket with my male cousins they are of the age 14 and under and the neighbors son, and after playing around for 30 min. we final broke off into teams and that is when my cousin Ayesha (she is 15) came out and said “oh my God you are playing cricket in the street, girl of Pakistan don’t play in the street, especially with the boys”! Was she shitten me, I am 20 years old and these boys are under 14 which really was not the problem the neighbors could see me and me being white I really stick out. So I just said fine (without throwing my usual 2-year-old tantrum so that I can get my way) and walked inside and did not speak the rest of the dad, I came home went to sleep and now it is 12:00 am and I am awake. Today made me miss home so much when I got to talk to two of my friends back home online. I am more than ready to come home. Because I am growing up I cannot do the things that I use to do when I was here now I am suppose to sit and not do anything. And that is not I. Well I better go. Umm sorry yo if there is noting interesting her, but I said before nothing interesting has happened just the same bullshit as usual!
Peace Out
Sarah
I have been unable to use the net for many reasons so I am going to post it now but let me give an update really fast. 1st the person reading this will know who you are. Shit happens in life and I know it seems as if shit is only happening to you. But remember when it comes down to it, life can be a whole lot shittier and you know that. Also if life gives you rotten plums make jam with it. One more thing I am sorry things are not working the way you want and life is full of disappointments and I really wish I was there to help you get through these times I will be home soon, but if you never get your hopes up too much then you will never get let down to much be satisfied not ecstatic! And remember you may holes in your shoes and tears in your clothes you will always have loving friends and family, if it helps I love you and I will be home soon. Also my scary situation, the boys parents will be here on Friday to meet me which in reality means and interview to see what I am like I am seriously nervous. To all my wonderful friends I will explain later on how this really works and the details so there are not confusions or misleading ideas. Oh I have got 2 numbers from boys since I have been here which means I am not as unfortunate as I thought. I will update before I leave on Sunday ok!
Love sarah
Peace out