Sarah's Life

I went to six flags today with tamra and there was this lady as we were leaving and she had to have her purse checked and she had a bottle of vodka in her bag. They told her to throw it away like idiots they did not do it for her, so she went behind a column and acted like she throw it away and she actually put it in her PANTS, what a freakozoid! Well tamra and I told on her as if we were in kindergarden and some one stole our cookie it was funny. In the long run we were only helping her in a family friendly environment. My cousin called me last night, we talk just about everynight. We are extremely close, she is two weeks younger than me. She lives back home. I went there in december for her wedding, but two days before the wedding the fiance called it off, ass wipe, anywho(grady) she has this great wonderful new boyfriend, i would not pick anyone better for her, I love him like he was already family. Well she called last night and told me she was going to have a baby, I was in complete shock, I had no idea what to say, I am not happy for her, they are both 20 and they have an apartment together but, they are to young to make that kind of sacrafice. Babies are a huge responsiblitiy and she loves kids, but she is so young i don't think she would know how to care for a new born baby. Babies are very expensive. I am so scared for her. I grew up always around babies, I wish i could go there and take care of her. Her entire family lives there so I know she will never be alone, or even left to be clueless, but I have always been there level headed, right making decision person, and I don't know people my age should not be aloud to reproduce. they don't realize what they have to give up, no more drinks, or, smokes, and especially not bud. these people party ever single weekend, friday, saturday, and sunday. I am just worried about her I love her so much. My dad is gone for the weekend, and I was not told about it until I got home from six flags, That sucked, I could have gone out tonight, alls wells I will go out tomorrow. It is getting closer and closer until it is time for me to leave for pakistan, i so like don;t wanna go. But nothing I can do now. I really wanna go home, maybe if I beg and plead to my boss, she will let me go before school, starts. I wanna go she don't want me to but I am not getting the choice to go to pakistan so I....arrrr.... life is just not always fair, and it really, like superdeeduper (barney) sucks. I was discussing marriage with my mom the other day. I was wondering how will I marry will I know them will they be someone I have never meet. I reassured her I don't not care if my family in Pakistan choose my husband i trust them. My family is well educated am VERY well off. I will not marry into anything beneath that, so I am not worried, I asked her when will they begin looking, and she said " how do you know that they are not already looking," I said " they would tell me right" She said "no, it will come unexpectedly", I said, oh. I want to have my wedding in Pakistan, And I wanna marry someone that lives there, Americanized pakistani boys are not like home grown! I was wondering what would happen if after I got marry they ( my husband of they future) does not want to relocate, I can adjust, but I would not want to live so far from my mommy. I love my mom so much, Did you know i give my mom a kiss bye everytime I leave the house. My mom is like the greatest in the world. all well, everything about that marriage i was just thinking ahead of my self but still if you were in my position you would wonder as well! Well I am signing off now, so have a good night,
love sarah butt

Have you ever wondered what you were like. Like stepped out of your shoes and just look at how you appear to other people, try being in a car for over 6 hours, you can do a lot of thinking, especially self analyzation. I thought about how I appear to others. I did realize i have highs and lows, I can be in a good mood for one minute and the next not be upset but quite and confused. I am not sure what it is but I can't control them. also alot of the time I can be fine one minute and the next something can just tick me off to know end and then 20 min. later I am fine. Not refering to anything. Have you ever said or told someone something, that five min. Later you really wish you hadn't. Or have you ever had this really really REALLY deep secret and you took care or it and buried along time ago in your past, and wish it was never brought up, and in 7 little min. someone you don't care for that much because of his inconsiderate self you told him. I mean why would you do that. And then really regret it. There are things about all of us that we wish not to share and something happens and somehow you tell the one person you had no idea you would talk about something so important with. Well obviously i did just that. I really wish I hadn't of done that. We have our moment but for the most part, but how do i know i can trust him. I really don't think he would tell anyone knowing on how much i pleaded for him not to.
Well I am leaving a month from today. I am so sad I wanna go home so badly, no one knows just how much going home means to me. All the way back from Jefferson today, I could not stop thinking about going home, i miss it so much I can sit and cry sometimes. I might have been a little aggervated today, but it only because i wanna go home so bad and leaving a town that the people reminded me so much of home, it was honestly depressing.
Have you ever put yourself in a postion that you wonder later on down the line how in the hell did i get here. what was i thinking. What would make me make the choices i made to get here.
I think my life is in a slump. I am only 20 and i have know direction in life. I have no idea what i will be doing with me in five years. I can't even see this far. I wish I could pick things up and start all over, new faces, names, lives, home. Just everything. I have no goals in life. I have no sense of living. How did i get to this point. Where did I take a wrong turn. I use to know everthing I wanted out of life, and how I was going to get it. I know this sound like a self peity party but, shit this is my blog and if you are sick of reading it then stop. I don;t usually act the way I feel infront of people so if I take a detour around and take it all out on a blank screen i think I have the right to. I feel like I have a million voices in my head, some saying i don't care about anything, or anyone, the others say yes you do. I have one that constantly is telling me to give up now, and let it all be over. Some say life is to short to make it any shorter. Some says be happy and make the most out of life. That is when i stop and ask what do i want and the process stats all over again.
have you ever felt like you were being used, or take for granted should i say. I sometimes feel this way and i can't say no. I have no way to change at this point who i am as a person. I will be frank i am not happy to be the person I am today. I have not helped enough people in the world. I have not accomplished anything a good person should. I feel like time is passing so bad and i can stop it and fix, adjust or change anything. I am not happy with me, and i am not sure where to begin. Have you ever wanted to say and change something so badly and to can not do it. Have you ever just wanted something so badly, you wished you were 5 again so you could fall in the floor kick and scream, and cry until you got what you wanted. I better go if i don't stop thinking i think i am going to go right out of my mind.