Sarah's Life

It has been a long time, but hey i am a busy person. My fiance finds out on the 14 if he gets to stay in the us or not. So pray for me, i am not sure which way you should pray just pray. I got my self in to a pickle these days. I have been doing something that I should not be doing. There is this guy I have had an interest for, for a while. Well We are friends, and sometimes friends with benefits. But it is good business. We had a talk one time and we decided attachments were not for us. Just friends and sometimes more, but never any feeling and emotions for one another. Anyways something happened last time that made me realize i am doing a bad thing and i am going to get hurt. I have only been hurt once in my life and it was so lasting i promised i would never put my self in that position again. Well I like this certain guy before we were even friends, so i basically i lied when i said we would just be friends with anything else. I now have to have the strength to stay aways from him. I refuse to be a stupid girl that gets attached knowing he will never let anyone in. I am so retarted thinking i could change that. I have never had someone not let me in. He has so many issues that i wish i could help him with, and the truth is he is fine, he don;t need me or anyone else, which then confussingly makes me think he is trying to be a "hardass" when in reality he needs someone to love and care about him they way i would want to. But then again who the hell am i to walk in and want to save the day. I just want to help and... well shit i don't know. I know i want some guidence but when it really comes down to it i know all my own answers. He has been hurt before and i think he is just looking out for himself by not letting anyone in and getting hurt again. I am engaged and need to stay away, and hold everything inside till it goes away. I did this to my self, i knew from the beginning what i was doing, now i have to deal with the results. All well im a CHAMP! I miss you HOMO, but i guess you are just a busy if not more. School sucks and is getting harder. I am actually gettting a little help at work but krogers don't care about you. You are the only person that cares about you. I am begining to believe the entire corporation of Kroger is a bunch of bullshit, but maybe it is not just kroger, maybe it is every business, ever career, job, place person these days that are liers , YOU ARE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND AND YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY. Alls well and then goes to hell! Call me and i will talk to you later!
love,
sarah

There has been alot going on in the last two weeks for me. Stuff i can't control, stuff i don't have and answer to, stuff i care not to have a n snswer to, stuff i don't know, stuff i can't change, things that make a feel completely alone and have know is ideas on how to fix ME!!!
I had a dream last night. It was not the strangest dream. But it was one of those that will never come try so why the hell am i dreaming about it in the first place. It was about me loving this certain person, and him loving me as well. there were issues in both our lives that in my dream and in reality is keeping us apart. Now in my dream we talked about it and of course since it was my dream we could change something. But now i wake up i realize that it can never in my wildest dreams ever happen. Now tell me why even dream about it?
Other stuff has been happening, like i meet with my soon to be fiance this weekend. Alot of things happened. But since i am unsure of what is happening and what is going on at this point i would really rather not post it on my blog. Sometimes i can't always write what i am thinking or what is really going on in my life, because for some odd reason people actually read my blog, and keep track of it, Other that YOU!
School, is ok, it is not what i really want it to be. I wish i could get my priorities in place. The thing is they are in place i just don;t take them seriously, and do what is impotant. I find my slef paying more attention in work then school. It is because work is easier and when i leave at the end of the day i don't have to take it with me. But school, i am getting so behind, and i always procrastinate in doing my homework and studies that it makes me feel sad that i am not doing what is important. I am going to go now, because i really don't have anything to say that i want people to know just yet. So everyone have a great day. Don't forget to smile atleast once:)
love sarah

OK so it is wensday, ans i have a really big test this morning over the stupid and not worth reading Iilad and the freakin Odyesse. Let me ask why teach lies and junk that is not useful, or true. I will never understans. Anyways i am successfully going to fail this test, but it is ok, i am prepared to fail, it would be different if i studyed and failed, i just know i am going to why worry. This is the time to worry about how can i change what i did this unit, so that the next 3 are so disgracful, dissappionting, careless, and i can keep going. I have a question to put out there. I was debating this with my girlfriend Bina, i love her she is the greatest. She is the nicest person, and she is one of those girl that will tell you excatly whats up. She will not agree for the sake of agreeing, she will tell you like it is. She is very honest, and is never going to lead you to believe something that is not true. ok so back to debating. I asked her... Bina if the Goverment of the United States asked all the Muslims in the US, to come down to there local court house, and enlist them selves as Muslims and wear a patch on there arm showing that they are Muslims, Would you do it. Seeing it looking like history in repeat, and we know how that turned out. Would you do it. She answer... well it does not matter how she answered, but for the saking of arguing althought we both eventually agreed, i was in the mood to debate. Honestly do you want to die in a gas chamber, or shot, hung, starved, of course not, but on the other hand do you want to live a lie forever, knowing that freedom of religion would no longer exsist. Would you live in fear of mortals rather than die in honor for Allah, and die with compasion, and the truth. Would you rather die for the only imporant one. KNowing we all die anyways, just some faster than the others. Or would you live a disgraced secreative, loney, shameful life, knowing you have to answer to him eventually. I was just pondering on this the other day. I am really not sure why. But i was. Ramadan is coming so soon. I am not a religious person, I am not even a semi religious person, I know right and i know wrong personally, but when this month comes, I become what some could say a hypocrite. I become semi relgious for thirty days and than after Eid it is back you the same ole G! Last night i was talking to Kashif and he tried giving me so many bullshit excuses on not fasting, and that how when we get married he will begin, and that was just not good enough. I was like i want to you do it now. I am not telling him or even asking i was just saying i want you to. And he replied "I will try for you" I was like hold up, don't try for me, try for Allah I mean you are not living for me, you are not goign to answer to me on the day of judgment, you are going to answer to Allah. Do it for you self, to save your self for hell, or at least the FEAR OF HELL. Do it for Allah he is the only one that can save you. NOT ME ONCE AGAIN NOT ME!!!! Ok so he was like wow you sound so modest and religious, what happened to my sarah, am i taking to someone diffenert, and that bothered me.. Now my thought is (since i am always concerned with what other peeps be thinkin) how do you see me. am i not a religious person... no i am not, but can i be at times...yes. there are different situations, that as a mortal i don't have the right to make the desion on which is more important, but also as mortals we make mistakes. I want my family to be raised unconfused on how they are and what they satand for in life. I want them to be experiences although at the same time conservative. I am them to have the knowledge and the knowledge that they have learned from. I want a family that has been raised with morals, values, ethics, wisdom, truth, serenity. I know this is up to me but maybe his is to libral. maybe he is to americanized. Meaning he has forgotten the land, and his home of Pakistan, maybe he has forgotten the truth and what he believes, what if we is putting on the hugh front. I have a lot of thinking to do. But I want him to do this on his own distiguish the differnece ont his own and know it is for Allah the almighty! just had to much time to ponder. so I will go. Happy Belated Birthday lil grady-o! Man it sounds like vacation time again, Now some should ever have to work that much ever. And it is not sitting at a desk, it is not doing filing or being the boss over ten peeps, it is like a whole freakin grocery store, man you are like 34 by the time you are 40 you are going to feel 50, don't kill yourself! Take care
Love sarah

I think the word you are looking for is anyways! High Maintaince what the hell does this really mean?????I mean seriously is it that i complain too much, whin, ask for to much, i don't get, do i really seem to need THAT much attention? Honestly, what the hell ANYWHO! (no credit given) And of course life is not easy and i know money does not bring charater....... wait did i miss something? You know if you would call people back, or call them in the first place communication would be a hell of alot better! And thats all i am saying on that. I am having the feeling of wanting to go away. Do you ever feel like you want to get awasy from everyone you know, no one imparticular, just away from mom dad friends, go somewhere, that nobdy knows your name and you can pretend to be anyone. maybe that is the childish part in me, that when i feel like i can't handle things i want to run away from reality. oh well. this blog thing has turned into something more than me typing my thoughts... but it is good business. oh well it is late and i have to study, so i will go. i would say talk to me later, but since the only way i see or speak to u is if i call or come to see you. So maybe i should say when i get a chance!!! oh wait is was really funny in geology it was so funny my teach is the most mondane and boring teach you could like ever have, his lectures are presented to us on power point and it was funny because we were discussing mass waste, and mass erosion and, the M's were not working and so on the huge screen it said ASS WASTE, OR ASS OVEMENT, ot ASS EROSION!!! LOLOLZZZ i am in college but damn it was funny i felt like i was in kindergarden but it is ok the rest of the class was laughing as well. GoOd NiGhT !
Peace out,
sarah

Ok enough of that. Lets see what has been going down. Umm I became sad the other day and i left on break and went to my old store. All well after some guidance and reassurance I was able to go back with ease, thank you! Ok what else, Umm school, and work is making me grow up alot faster than i wanted to i am always at one of them. It is becoming so routine and boring i am onbly 20 why and i feeling older. Oh well what can i do. I was at the mall the other day and i will tell you a secret i was trying on daimonds, awww... ok none of that business. I am so scared and when i talk to him about it, confuses him and he gets upset. He says it don't but i know it does. so i try not to bring it up, but the real deal is that when he asks what i am afraid of i don't have an answer b/c truthfully i am not sure why i am scared. Things like this you should just ignore and find away and get over, but i will always have a doubt and wonder am i making the right choice, but i guess it is normal to think this way. I have good news i found out that my shop looks like The Penicle Yeah baby. I went to learn how to count inventory last night, it seems like a piece of cake, but i am a lucky person i don't have a ton of shit to count. so it will be better. ok I really don't have a lot to say which makes me sad because i don't always get the chance and i have thje next 45min to type and i really don't have a lot to say. oh well maybe i am just that boring and kashif is right, i am a bring simple person, which condridicts anything grady has very said about me being high maintaince. well maybe i am but when you call me princess and tell everything i want to hear i don't ask for much, maybe that is how i am simple. Hmmm.... not that the bastard has a computer or will ever read this i just want to say hi to garcia. thats it nothing more, just hi, oh and may Allah make your life so uncomplicating. HEHE!!! Man i skipped us. govnt today, that is sad i should have gone, oh i will call my teach and find out that happened. But i do have business next so i should go to that class. I want to remind some one where the is a will there is a way. you have to believe in youself you can conquere anything don't doubt, be brave little bear, work hard. Don't be no one ever sad life is easy. Personally i have never had it hard, (which is one thing that can make me hate you very fast if you bring it up, it is not may fault that my parents provide for me, and work there ass off when they where younger and still works extremely hard for us so don't bring it up to my face) ( that is not for anyone it is just something in general i would like people top know) But i go and work and go to school and handle both as if i had to. So if i can anyone can. anyways i will write later peace out!
love me
sarah

Ok Ok OK i know that when you went to my blog today you were in shock. Because i have not updated this damn thing is like a thousand years. But no worries, Sarah is back. I am recharged and ready to roll. so ok like i could give a quick summary of what has happened since i have left Paki wacky, just because most of you wondeful peeps have been there most of the way. ok i came back and now i am getting engaged on October 18. ok there it is anyone important already knows the details why should i take it small but very important time i have to explain. so there you go. Now lets discuss recent business. I am a floral manager at 844 (can i get a " you go girl") I think the word you are now looking for is "ANYWAYS" hehe. So yeah i am there and i am liking not always having someone bitching at me but i miss my homy G dog funk punk bitchs like umm... Grady-o and tamra and Butthead and well yeah know one else is important. i got in trouble the other day, but all i got was a really deadful look, wait until thusday when i go back to work i am going to get yelled at. I was trying really fast to clean up my deptment and go, because i had school, and my celly rang so like normal i picked it put, little did i know Mr. woodall was standing like 5 feet in front of me, (ok so you now have to take inconsideration i am working for a very paranoid brand new store manager) and even though Woodall did not see me Brian did and i think, no wait i know i am going to get in trouble. All well shit happens and i did not see him, and brian and his look was a mean one and you think that and him talking to me on thursday would be enough...lol try again the scared basterd made me late to class, ok i stop for a smoothe but i was still late, all well he is a good manager but seriously needs to take a chill pill, people are not made store managers because someone flipped a coin they are made management because earned it so i think he needs to remember a small thing like that will not get HIM fired, now me is a differnet story. So hmm.. what else, I am working way to much and going to school to much, if it was one or the other it would be ok but it is both and i am having a stressful time trying to juggle both. And then also have time for my friends. I am tired and i need a break and it is only like the 3rd week of classes. oh well i am taking the weekend 17 18 19 in October off for my engagement i think i am entitle to such a horrific event right! I thought so. i am in the library in my school and i am already 7 min late to class oh well it is gov'n it it not going to change in the next ten min. I wanted to let everyone know i am a hero that is rising, sales were good then they went down and know they are movin on up and the sky is bright( damn they person that just sat down next to me has really bad feet odor, yuck i think i am going to puke my guts out it they don't leave, I feel like gagging, can't he smell that shit i can and the rest of china as well) anyways what was i saying oh yeah sales, last monday i did am devistaing $73 and this monday i did over $200 can i get a HOORAY FOR SARAH!!! damn i have to go to class but most importantly i am becoming nausus with that person feet smell it is like two word buddy Dr. Scholts! anyways i am back, actually i am not my sad computer is still sick so i can only use the computer when i am at school or at a compadres house. so after this if there is a delay in updates you now know why. Peace out homey Gs and miss me, because i really miss you! Alot!!!(anywho)
Peace out fool,
sarah butt or maybe one day sarah ayub!!! ( i like butt better you will never forget butt, but ayub can easily be miss placed!

Ok Ok OK i know that when you went to my blog today you were in shock. Because i have not updated this damn thing is like a thousand years. But no worries, Sarah is back. I am recharged and ready to roll. so ok like i could give a quick summary of what has happened since i have left Paki wacky, just because most of you wondeful peeps have been there most of the way. ok i came back and now i am getting engaged on October 18. ok there it is anyone important already knows the details why should i take it small but very important time i have to explain. so there you go. Now lets discuss recent business. I am a floral manager at 844 (can i get a " you go girl") I think the word you are now looking for is "ANYWAYS" hehe. So yeah i am there and i am liking not always having someone bitching at me but i miss my homy G dog funk punk bitchs like umm... Grady-o and tamra and Butthead and well yeah know one else is important. i got in trouble the other day, but all i got was a really deadful look, wait until thusday when i go back to work i am going to get yelled at. I was trying really fast to clean up my deptment and go, because i had school, and my celly rang so like normal i picked it put, little did i know Mr. woodall was standing like 5 feet in front of me, (ok so you now have to take inconsideration i am working for a very paranoid brand new store manager) and even though Woodall did not see me Brian did and i think, no what i know i am going to get in trouble. All well shit happens and i did not see him, and brian and his look was a mean one and you think that and him talking to me on thursday would be enough...lol try again the scared basterd made me late to class, ok i stop for a smoothe but i was still late, all well he is a good manager but seriously needs to take a chill pill, people are not made store managers because someone flipped a coin they are made management because earned it so i think he needs to remember a small thing like that will not get HIM fired, now me is a differnet story. So hmm.. what else, I am working way to much and going to school to much, if it was one or the other it would be ok but it is both and i am having a stressful time trying to juggle both. And then also have time for my friends. I am tired and i need a break and it is only like the 3rd week of classes. oh well i am taking the weekend 17 18 19 in October off for my engagement i think i am entitle to such a horrific event right! I thought so. i am in the library in my school and i am already 7 min late to class oh well it is gov'n it it not going to change in the next ten min. I wanted to let everyone know i am a hero that is rising, sales were good then they went down and know they are movin on up and the sky is bright( damn they person that just sat down next to me has really bad feet odor, yuck i think i am going to puke my guts out it they don't leave, I feel like gagging, can't he smell that shit i can and the rest of china as well) anyways what was i saying oh yeah sales, last monday i did am devistaing $73 and this monday i did over $200 can i get a HOORAY FOR SARAH!!! damn i have to go to class but most importantly i am becoming nausus with that person feet smell it is like two word buddy Dr. Scholts! anyways i am back, actually i am not my sad computer is still sick so i can only use the computer when i am at school or at a compadres house. so after this if there is a delay in updates you now know why. Peace out homey Gs and miss me, because i really miss you! Alot!!!(anywho)
Peace out fool,
sarah butt or maybe one day sarah ayub!!! ( i like butt better you will never forget butt, but ayub can easily be miss placed!

I was told I needed to update my blog so I am! Today is Sunday, and I am leaving July 28th. I will be happy to get back home, but defiantly not to work, (he he). Anywho (Grady-o) lets see what have I been doing. Umm… nothing, I don’t do anything this would be the reason I have not written in here. I continue not to talk to my dad. I don’t care for him when we are at home, and when we are here he is completely different and he is worse. I have figured out I don’t belong in Pakistan. Yes, I know this is my heritage is, and my culture, but I can have all that good stuff there too. It is not that I cannot adjust to living here, because in a way I can, well better than most American born peeps, which travel to an extremely foreign place, it is that women don’t do a lot here. I have always known this but it never occurred to me like for realz. I need some space the other day (when I am here I have someone with me like always, I have a cousin with me all the time no privacy) anyways I opened the gate and before I could shut it the guard was standing there, watching waiting, wondering if I was going to walk. And then as I took a step he was taking the step right behind me. I wanted to go to the store the other day, and the driver was going to take me, and my dad said no. Why did he say know? Ask yourself this question, why did he tell me no I was going with the driver, and my cousin was also going, why did he tell me no? All I wanted was a hair straightener. Guess I have the answer so you don’t have to guess anymoreJ because I am white, and some people have bad intentions. As this may be true, people in America have the same wrong intentions. I am in a foreign country were I don’t speak the language fluently and I can’t handle my self. I cannot do a lot because I am white, and men stair like dogs, at me. Oh well I am so use to it does not even bother me anymore. Well I have done all the shopping for my family everyone has new clothes. Except my bro I have not bought his clothes only a prayer hat, (which Justin and Tamra got a kick out of my dads, they would love my bro’s it has little mirror all over it). Oh I have not brought shoes yet or gifts but the clothes are done. I feel bad I got upset thousands of miles away from this person and believe it or not he still upset me can you believe it. I feel terrible I said rude things that he deserved but I should have not said them and I feel terrible. I want to apologize but then I don’t want to. He should for once say he is sorry, and mean it. But that is not he. Damn it Sarah why do you let him get to you. He has always been this way and will always be this way. I am not sure I have that much more to say. I have had a lot of thinking time, and I have done a lot of thinking. Things are going to change, a lot will. I am not happy with me, or anything about me. I have a bad fear of rejection, and tripping and falling, and I need to get over it, because stuff is changing in my life, and maybe sooner then I think and I am very scared so I need things like self confidence to kick in. But I do know this is what I have always wanted, and I have waited along time. Now I am the age they are looking. This is not my first proposal it may not be the last, these things take time and there are many stages more to go, but it is the beginning and we all have to start somewhere. Did I tell you my friend Peter is engaged. I sound upset when he told me I was just really in shock. I am happy for him, but it is a really big step for him, they moved in so fast together and that got engaged so fast. I wish them the best. Before I left for here, I saw an ex friends and she called me evil and that she did not even want to talk to me. Yes I cause this more spoiled then me brat of a bitch little girl a little problems but I promise it was only for her own benefit, I would never do anything to anyone if it was for pure bad. That is just not I! Anyways she called me evil and that is still swimming among the empty, thoughtless veins of my brain. Arrr… I became pissed off twice today, I was maybe out of line but damn let me just tell you. First my uncle came to pick us up to go to his house to have lunch and he wanted me to put my scarf so no one can see me, then when I completely refused he made me put it in the usual place for a Pakistani woman on her chest. I HATE wearing it and why should I cover up anymore, I am already covered from neck to ankle. Damn! After lunch I was playing street cricket with my male cousins they are of the age 14 and under and the neighbors son, and after playing around for 30 min. we final broke off into teams and that is when my cousin Ayesha (she is 15) came out and said “oh my God you are playing cricket in the street, girl of Pakistan don’t play in the street, especially with the boys”! Was she shitten me, I am 20 years old and these boys are under 14 which really was not the problem the neighbors could see me and me being white I really stick out. So I just said fine (without throwing my usual 2-year-old tantrum so that I can get my way) and walked inside and did not speak the rest of the dad, I came home went to sleep and now it is 12:00 am and I am awake. Today made me miss home so much when I got to talk to two of my friends back home online. I am more than ready to come home. Because I am growing up I cannot do the things that I use to do when I was here now I am suppose to sit and not do anything. And that is not I. Well I better go. Umm sorry yo if there is noting interesting her, but I said before nothing interesting has happened just the same bullshit as usual!
Peace Out
Sarah
I have been unable to use the net for many reasons so I am going to post it now but let me give an update really fast. 1st the person reading this will know who you are. Shit happens in life and I know it seems as if shit is only happening to you. But remember when it comes down to it, life can be a whole lot shittier and you know that. Also if life gives you rotten plums make jam with it. One more thing I am sorry things are not working the way you want and life is full of disappointments and I really wish I was there to help you get through these times I will be home soon, but if you never get your hopes up too much then you will never get let down to much be satisfied not ecstatic! And remember you may holes in your shoes and tears in your clothes you will always have loving friends and family, if it helps I love you and I will be home soon. Also my scary situation, the boys parents will be here on Friday to meet me which in reality means and interview to see what I am like I am seriously nervous. To all my wonderful friends I will explain later on how this really works and the details so there are not confusions or misleading ideas. Oh I have got 2 numbers from boys since I have been here which means I am not as unfortunate as I thought. I will update before I leave on Sunday ok!
Love sarah
Peace out